ad hoc.

I don’t even think this is a real movie, I think someone just spliced clips of 27 Dresses The Wedding Planner The Wedding Date My Best Friend’s Wedding Enchanted Sweet Home Alabama together and shat out this abomination. People will not validate my outrage and tell me to get over it, that this is a just a fluff of a movie and to just go and watch it as a guilty pleasure. I’m sorry, relaxing is the last thing I can do when Hollywood promotoes more gendered stereotypes, homophobia as comedy, and the rich white people as the heroes.

Checklist:

• a wedding as a plot device
• womanizer receives validation for being promiscuous
• characters are rich and living in NYC (and are probably ad executives)
• character is mistaken as gay and that’s funny
• shopping montage
• nerds are ridiculed

Thank you to whatever higher power decided that I should get the VH1 Classic Channel. No Flava Flav, Top model, just kickass videos from the eighties and early nineties. And whole blocks of metal videos that take me back to the days when I would tape Headbanger’s Ball on the VCR. Even the passage of 10 years makes me cringe at what used to be cool. What will we think of ourselves in 10 years?

Heavy metal of the early nineties was supposedly this uber-hetero display of masculinity, but I would say there are some major gay elements to it. Forget the copious amounts of makeup and haorspray, but the moves and the appearances are megagay.

Exhibit A: Winger’s “Headed For a Heartbreak”. The production value of this video is AMAZING. I remember I used to be obsessed with the dress she is wearing with the heavy shoulderpads and keyhole to show cleavage. At one point it looks like Kip Winger is wearing leggings and an off the shoulder purple tee shirt. CLASSIC.

The Cult is quite awesome and still is today. However, you cn’t help but be drawn to Ian Astbury’s flowing locks (what conditioner does he use) fringed leather pants and sultry moves.

Ok, I am not sure if I like the way Lost is going…I think their are sci fic elements of the show that is cool, but the time travel business makes it a bit ridiculous. The writers are genius in that they have so many stories going and so many theories that tie it together that it makes you keep watching! And after three seasons, there are still so many questions. What the FUCK is the black smoke monster? What is the Dharma Initiative really? What do those people want with Ben? How does he get off the island unoticed? How the hell did John Locke’s father get on the island? Will we ever read the log of the Black Rock? Is it just merely a coincidence he was the same one that conned Sawyer’s parents? And that Claire and Jack are siblings? Why was there a cover up by Oceanic? DAMN YOU JJ ABRAMS! I’M HOOKED!

Notice: Kate’s cleavage, Sayid’s pecs, and Sawyers dimples.

I found this random site where someone manipulated Garfield comics to leave out Garfield. The result? A damn creepy story about a paranoid schizophrenic.

But so worth it. Remember to spay/neuter!

Who I am fooling, except thousands more animal videos.

Today at Comic Con was a little bit mellower than yesterday. Oh, um except or the that fact that I MET MISS BEADLE FROM LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE. Why the hell was she even there? She was at the sad autograph booths, which was akward when no one was at someone’s table. I kind of felt bad for them. She was sitting next to the red power ranger. I actually went over and chatted with her, and she was just as nice as Miss Beadle would have been!!!

They were also running movie trailers on a loop for hours which is my idea of heaven. No movies, just trailers.

Oh, ok I GUESS I’ll watch the Oscars tonight. Although I am not excited, I am not really feeling any of the stuff nominated.

Well, what an adventure! Getting off the BART, I so could so tell who was going and who was not. No judgement though!

I was really mad that I didn’t come in costume. Maybe tomorrow when I go I will go naked, spray paint my body blue, and go as Mystique. Just a thought. Although I couldn’t tell who half the people were supposed to be.

Big bumblebees?

Creepy blue ninjas who hung out in a corner?

Creepy Cosplay Couple?

The Star Wars people were off the hook.

That group at the full on imperial guard, other people in unform, the senators, etc. Other cool costumes? A group dressed like the Torchwood gang. Although if they were not together, you couldn’t tell. Tons of goth girls dressed like Emily the Strange. Surprise, surprise.

And the celebs! Squee!

David Duchovny on the jumbotron:

John Cho talking about the new Harold and Kumar movie (showed some clips, looks awesome. Commence intense crush on John Cho. Notice the magical glow around his aura).

Then there was the “celeb” area of the exhibition room that I couldn’t go near because it was just too painful…Lou Ferrgno, The original Hulk was totally hamming it up.

As I was walking by to find the restroom, I made eye contact with some guy at his booth who apparently used to be a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, and when we looked at each other, I saw the look of pure deperation and longing to hold on to those couple of episodes ten years ago. Yeesh.

I was outside taking a smoke break down on some steps leading down to a service entrance and who plops down next to me but Peter Mayhew (the original Chewbacca), who to tell you the truth, does not look good. I was dying to ask if he is making a living off being Chewbacca all these years and relying on these appearances. I mean, who am I to judge? I’d probably do the same thing.

What else? Took a lot of willpower not to by tons of stuff. There were action figures I had no idea were even action figures.

OctavianYou are 30% Emotional (versus Logical), 73% Principled (versus Selfish), and 78% Scheming (versus Innocent)!

Logical, principled, and scheming, you, like Octavian, probably learned philosophy from the Greeks and manipulation from your mother. Cold and efficient, you are willing to do anything to make the world a better place. Of course, you also think that the world would be a better place if you ruled over it. Remember, though, that your family and friends are people, too, and not just pawns in your grand schemes. Otherwise you may lose them forever.

This test tracked 3 variables. How the score compared to the other people’s:

	Higher than 99% on Emotion
	Higher than 99% on Principles
	Higher than 99% on Scheming

I saw this a while ago and the jury is still in. It’s from the Brit awards, and it is Rihanna performing “Umbrella” with the Klaxons. The Klaxons can do no wrong in my book, and they seem like they really showed up, even with their matching costumes, but Rihanna looks like a robot and she sucks live. Why do the British have better taste in music than us?

Oh man, this dream was a doozy. Thanks to those who keep telling me I married Bret Michaels, I had a really vivid dream last night that I was on Rock of Love. And wouldncha know, I had made it to the top three contesetants, so the show’s finale was an intense judging. I also want to add that one of the other three was a guy, so maybe Bret swings or I was mixing it up with Shot At Love With Tila Tequila. So, for the final “date”, we had to choose a book that we liked and come and discuss it. (I KNOW!) Thinking that Bret was a moron, I chose a Sweet Valley High book. And one that I didn’t actually read, but I figured I could make up the plot and probably be right. Although at the final date, it wasn’t just Bret, but the producers, some of his friends and even some professors. I suddenly felt kind of shy and annoyed, and I heard them talking about what sort of marks they were giving me. (I got a C on my book report, and a C because I didn’t give Bret flowers before the date.) Luckily, a friend of mine happened to be there so I dragged him over to the bar to have a bitch session about the process, saying I wanted to just quit and get the hell out of there, the show was bullshit, etc etc. The producer of the show overheard me and I got in trouble so they banished me to a nearby hotel. I told her my plan, that I just wanted to leave, and I wanted to tell Bret that we weren’t meant for each other, and I would leave gracefully and let one of the other two people throw themselves all over him. Once Bret heard that, he was really mad because HE didn’t want to be rejected before he could reject me. So I compromised and I said I would do it on camera and make a big emotional scene to make some good tv. They agreed to that, so I started picking out what I was going to wear, and to my horror, all my clothes suddenly became see-through. And then I woke up in a cold sweat. The end.

Stuff White People Like

I guess I have only myself to blame, because I’m the one that voluntarily chose to rent it.

There are no such things as screenwriters anymore. There is a big hat full of movie cliches that someone reaches into and then makes a “plot” out of them. Cutesy pun for a title? Check. Career driven woman unfullfilled with her life until she meets the perfect guy? Check. Takes place in New York with an unrealistic depiction of New York? Check. Character living an an apartment that is way too big for what they could afford in real life? Check. Overly precocious child teaches the adult how to love and live? Check. Using cooking for metaphors for life lessons? Check.

Wow! Someone else is also bothered that Bad Brains are doing promos on MTV. Okay, it’s not just me. None of the kids watching even gets the relevance or the awesomeness…but then again, no one FORCED Band Brains to do it. Yes, maybe they need the paycheck to be able to start making music again, but isn’t being on MTV against absolutely everything they stand for?

Thank god the writer’s strike is over! It looks like Battlestar will have a complete season. Seriously, thank god. I know I make fun of all those other fans of cancelled shows that send the producers all sorts of crap in the mail, but if this season did not get a proper run, you’d see me REALLY lose it. Oh, and the glorious third season (my favorite so far) is on dvd March 18.

My Little Pony is 25! There’s some sort of display going on in NYC. Hint hint for anyone that lives there to go and take pics for me. I read an article recently that claimed that the early ponies looked like ponies, and the more recent ones look like underage porn stars. You be the judge:

THEN:

NOW:

I can’t believe I found these songs somewhere.

only-me-and-the-music.mp3

twilight-in-paris.mp3

shes-got-the-power.mp3

get the Debbie Gibson reference? I like this future evil Sayid. Future evil Sayid also likes flat irons.

Love how there are still random survivors that we’ve never seen before.

Kate, stop flirting and pay attention on how you are going to get the fuck off the island.

Can we get some female characters with some dignity and strength? Even in this new rescue team, the gal is the one who gets trapped and it is totally helpless.

Okay, Ben. We get it you’re creepy. You can stop talking like that.

Why does everyone want to stay on the island? It is pretty, but is everyone forgetting there is a MURDEROUS SMOKE MONSTER on the loose?

It really sucks watching it week to week instead of three seasons in one week. It seems like nothing really happens.

I wanted to give a synops of my trip to Vegas, even though though was a while ago. I was a little cautious about going, I thought my head would explode when I got there. You know what? I loved it. Although I had to throw away every principle and moral that I had.

On the plane, I was a little nervous. The plane was empty and most of us were traveling alone. Of course, I had an excuse, but I wondered what the other people were up to. The guy next to me on the plane was already drunk and was trying to enlist me in his conspiracy for him to keep his luggage on the seat next to him, which I wanted no part of.

I was nervous about my hotel, which I had booked online because it was cheap so I had no idea what that would mean. However, The Flamingo was pretty rad. Although, they did have a courtyard with wild birds and flamingos roaming free. What the fuck? I am sure the animals had a very fulfilling life being their for the sole purpose of midwestern tourists and gazing out on the beautiful buffet. Whatevs.

I did some hardcore hotel hopping after that. Actually, it was kind of a goal of mine to relive the movie Showgirls, but I didn’t realize until I got there that the Stardust Hotel was torn down! Oh, the horror! Oh well. I did get to the Forum Shops at Ceasar’s Palace, where “Ver-sayce” was located, as well as the restaurant that Nomi first flirted with Crystal. By the way, that place was insane with all the statues and over the top shit. There was even an animatronic show in the fountain in the center of the mall. I do appreciate the historical accurate by calling it “The Forum” because in ancient Rome that was the marketplace. Again, did anyone there actually appreciate it? Probably not. Speaking of historical accuracy, in Caesar’s palace, they had supposed statues of Julius Caesar, but I am pretty sure they were of Augustus (thank you, Art History 101). I wasn’t about to alert the manager. I also think they should add hot men walking around dressed in gladiator costumes. I filled out a comment card, don’t worry.

The other hotels are ridiculous. The theory of Vegas is “how much money can we possibly spend on something that is completely useless?” I think the entire facade of the New York New York Hotel would feed the inhabitants of a small country for about 50 years. By the way, I was expecting that hotel to be a total stereotype and just serve pizza and bagels, but their recreation of a New York Street was pretty cool- including the Asian landromat (?). Oh, there was also a Coyote Ugly bar in there. Probably the saddest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. You could by a thong/t-shirt set that says “I danced on the bar at Coyote Ugly.” If you need a t-shirt to remember that, you know your life is in shambles.

The fountains at the Bellagio were ridiculous and actually gave me the chills! Okay, that is what enchanted me about Vegas. That and the absence of children, and maybe the hooker catalogs. The Venetian- crazy! I wasn’t able to take a romantic gondola ride underneath the highway overpass. You all know how I feel about themes- I love them! I spent a while thinking of themes for new hotels. I had already mused about a Sweet Valley High themed hotel, but someone mentioned a Moulin Rouge themed hotel, which would blow my mind.

Oh, back to my quest to relive showgirls. I don’t the Cheetah strip club is a real place, but I wasn’t about to go searching for a seedy place like it (I refused to leave The Strip). So, I wanted to see a show similar to the fictional Goddess, so why not Fantasy at the Luxor? I figured it had to be the closest thing, and it would be high class because it was at The Luxor, right? First off, the big pull that they were advertising was that it is choreographed by Chris Judd, aka. the former Mr. Jennifer Lopez. Well, first off, I had to point out the impracticalities. There was a cowboy scenario- how comfy is it to ride a horse without a bra? Also, that ski outfit is useless if you’re going to wear it topless. Really now. Of course, there was a male comedian that did homophobic, unfunny vignettes during the “costume changes” but the women were never allowed to talk. I think watching it revoked my women’s study degree.

Oh yea, I also attended a pesky conference that got in the way of my fun. For those nights I stayed at the Imperial Palace, and I have PTSD from staying there. I don’t know if it was the ten-count sheets, the horribe Asian stereotypes (the “Geisha Bar” and the “Sake Bar”) or the fact that my room overlooked a courtyeard where a Jimmy Buffet cover band played until 3am, but it gave me the fucking creeps. The only good thing were the “Dealertainers” who did celeb impressions and dealt blackjack! My favorites were Ricky Martin and Bette Midler. Shakira was kind of a bitch.

The last night I wanted to see something “typically Vegas” so I went to see Jubilee at Bally’s. I figured that it had all the ridiculous sets, over the top numbers, and ridiculous costumes. It had all that, and more boobs too. I didn’t realize it was topless. So I accidentally saw two topless shows in Vegas. Oh well.

I miss Vegas. Nothing really seems the same. I cursed and chain smoked the whole time I was there and I kind of miss that too. Oh, I also won $150 at the Penny Pagoda slots at the Imperial Palace.

The conference I attended was total crap. Someone referenced Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus as a source for their material. ‘Nuff said.

moar funny pictures

Um, don’t think so. My phone has a video camera so expect about a hundred more videos of her.

I started watching Torchwood, and I am torn. Think Queer as Folk meets the X-Files. Some episodes are really profound, others make my literally cringe from the awkwardness of the staging and dialogue. After about six episodes, I’ve totally detected a formula used in every episode.

*Gwen fucks something up reeased n alien and they have to scramble around to fix it

*Two or more of the characters experience sexual tension

*They travel to a busy bar/club/marketplace to apprehend said alien

*Captain Jack flashes his pearly whites and delivers a catchphrase

*They realize that things are not what they seem

*Gwen disobeys orders to investigate something that she feels in her gut, despite the others scoffing at it

*The crew is trapped by alien of the week, and death is absokultey certain; Captain Jack shakes his fist in the air and curses humanity

*Some impossible twist of fate or coincidence occurs to get them out of the situation

*one of the crew is deeply affected by the turn of events and Captain Jack comforts them at a location that overlooks the city

Yea, I feel that way about Across the Universe. I mean, the idea is pretty brilliant, in a Mamma Mia! kind of way. I mean, why NOT use Beatles songs to make a musical about it? But it just didn’t do it for me. Even with Bono singing “I Am the Walrus”. And some kicky trippy, musical numbers. And Jim Sturbridge’s cuteness. Still, I found myself totally bored between songs and then high hopes for the musical numbers and blah. The characters fell flat for me. I felt Lucy was a dumb teenager who went along with war protests because it was popluar and the whole fight between her and Jude because he thought she was sleeping with the protest guy? Snoozefest ‘08.  I really wanted this to be the new Moulin Rouge. But can there ever be?

I have been listening to the audio version of Stephen Colbert’s I Am America, And So Can You, and it is hi-larious. I think listening to it in his own voice is even funnier than reading it. And Amy Sedaris as the old cat lady is an added bonus. Special bonus appearance by Mr. Jellinek. Sometimes I worry that not everyone who reads this understands the concept of satire. Maybe they are listening to his rampant homophobia and glorification of Christianity and actually believing it and agreeing it, instead of realizing he is illustrating the ridiculousness of it. Just like I fear for the fans of South Park and Reno 911 (um, season 5 premiere this week!). Satire, people! Look into it!

One, for not having sufficient amount of vowels in your name. Two, for complaining that her character in Knocked Up is offensive to women. Then, after that rant, starring in the monstrosity 27 Dresses and renewing her contract on Grey’s Anatomy. If she is so into having good roles for women, what the hell? Then she signs on to what sounds like to be the straight-to-video sequel to How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days:

A cute but chauvinistic on-air TV stud (Gerard Butler) enlists his perfect-but-somehow-still-single producer (Katherine Heigl) to jump through hoops in the real dating world, thus hopefully proving all his theories about love are right on.

Oh my god. Do ya think they get together in the end? Do you think there will be a wacky montage of all her disasterous dates? Do you think there will be a Jewel song on the soundtrack?

I know we are still sitting shiva for the loss of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody since its cancellation, but it seems good news in on the horizon. The gange (minus Tisdale) are heading for the high seas!

In the new series, twins Zack and Cody Martin (Dylan and Cole Sprouse) and hotel heiress London Tipton (Song) enroll in a semester-at-sea program aboard luxury cruise liner the S.S. Tipton. Dutiful hotel manager Mr. Moseby (Lewis) follows to keep an eye on the boss’ daughter, who, along with the tourists and students attending classes on Deck Eight, must deal with the twins’ mischievous ways.

I couldn’t write a better pitch for a tv show if I tried. Aren’t the twins like eleven? Is it really appropriate for them? How will their credits tranfer? Who is running the Tipton hotel while Mr. Moseby is away? I wonder if the twins are addicted to heroin yet. This is keeping me up at night.

My phone broke (i.e. I was using it out in the rain and it screwed up the lcd) so I was FORCED to get a new phone.

I got a red Palm Centro. Look how preeeety it is! Some would complain that the qwerty keyboard is too small but it is just the right size for my stubby little fingers. I wish I didn’t even have to pay for minutes, because I barely talk on the phone but I can text/email/googlemap my heart out. Yes, that means ANOTHER new number for me which I will send to all of you once I get the thing set up.

I love how my peer generation and even younger seem to be incredibly excited about the upcoming elections. I love nothing more to engage in conversations about it and to hear people’s opinions and why they support said candidate. However what does irk the shit out of me is the barrage of facebook messages and email that just state “VOTE FOR OBAMA!”. Like getting these messages commanding me to do something will cause me to completely override any thoughts of my own about candidate issues. It’s like I am in a high school government election with “Erik 4 Prez” signs all around me.