A George Michael retrospective

o last week I went to see George Michael and it was fantastic! Quite frankly I had forgot that I was going and I had no expectations. Once there I realized that I am probably a bigger GM fan than I thought. I forgot that I loved his stuff, and was totally all about the Faith album and even Listen Without Prejudice. I won’t like, anything after the 90s really doesn’t do it for. Anyway, he put on a great show, but he is showing his age. He had to sit down for a few songs and even took an intermission! I love it. Next thing you know he’ll be playing cruise ships.

Even better, it got me to realize just how fucking awesome Wham! was. Pure genius. Too bad George is embarrassed about it and didn’t play a lot of Wham!. Their songs were pretty fantastic and the kitchiness of their presentation gives me a pop culture orgasm. Also, why were people scandalized when George came out? I mean, just what in the hell is going on here? Chelloooo!!

I for one am totally anticipating the tell-all autobiography he is supposedly writing. More importantly, I want to get inside Andrew Ridgely’s mind. What is he up to? According to Wikipedia, he married a gal from Bananarama. You go Andy, you go.

And now may I present my favorite George Michael moments. I am sure George is not proud of some of these. In fact, expect some major cringing when it happens.

“Father Figure” To me this video was soooo scandalous when I first saw it. And I barely understood it! And I still don’t! So relationship violence and stalking are hot? Ok! It made me think I was cool because I had bangs.

“I’m Your Man” George did this in concert and they played the video on the background. The whole place collectively orgasmed, myself included. Watch George “act” in the prelude. It’s Oscar worthy. Also, this is the debut of one of his signature hip swaying moves, one of only about three moves he has.

“Everything She Wants” Oh, George, now she says that she’s having your baby, how much harder do you need to work for her? George and Andrew show us their second signature move, spinning around in unison. Also, the highlight at the 3:08 mark: George is disgusted by the woman in his bed. Are you telling us something, George????????

“Freedom” Oh wow, how condescending. Wham! does their first tour in China and they’re all look at all these adorable Chinese people! Aw, look they go to work! They ride bikes! They fence! They’re just like us white people! Highlights: at the 3:24 mark, Andrew gets all rock star at a press conference. At 3:40, they play a round of soccer in some tight sweatpants. Yeeks! at 5:30, there is evidence that Milli Vanilli stole their moves from Wham!

“Careless Whisper” Nothing to say but it’s a fucking awesome song. How come saxophones aren’t used as much anymore?

“Prayin’ For TIme” This is just ridiculous. Apparently George was too busy perfecting his five o clock shadow look, and didn’t have time to make a video, so some geeky tech dude just put up the lyrics.

“Wake My Up Before you Go-Go” Oh, the classic. In my vision George chose his own outfits. Hmmm, color-block short shorts, pink sweatshirt and yellow fingerless gloves? Why not? The black light portion is a must-see.

“Monkey” Ok, this may be a throwaway single that no one remembers, but I have fond memories of this one. George dresses as a gay Amish person spliced with concert scenes. Genius!

“Club Tropicana” ZOMG! Wham! video or gay porn? can’t even WATCH this! The cringe factor!

“Edge of Heaven” This was apparently Wham!’s farewell single, so why not go out in style. I love live-in-concert videos that do not utilize any microphones or amplifiers. Note to George, please lose the jeans with no back pockets as well as the cropped fringe jackets. But that’s just me.

And the best…..

“Too Funky” The art direction on this video would make Dave LaChappelle cry. I could watch this over and over. Highlight: a teenage Tyra Banks. Other highlight: I was totally into the bike mirror corset.

Pride

Went to my first SF Pride today, and promptly left early. It was the most crowdest event I have ever been with. Really, I was mostly into the parade, which was over three hours long. No joke. I think everyone and their mother marched in the parade, so who the hell was left to watch it? I totally have a newfound crush on Gavin Newsom now that I’ve seen him in person. Also newsflash: Margaraet Cho looks like shit lately. And, apparently, Cyndi Lauper makes her money by making appearances at Pride festivals around the country.

I am really wondering what kind of statement for Price walking around in the nude has. I mean, sure, it’s about expressing your sexuality and loving your body I suppose, but that is so not necessary. I’m talking about both men and women. Call me old fashioned. Go ahead.

TiVo, my love

So I did what every good patriotic American is supposed to do, which is to spend their stimulus check on expensive electronics to fill the empty void in our lives. So I got a TiVo! My plan was that it will make me watch LESS tv, in that it will be more purposeful.

It is pretty fucking cool, right down to the fun noise it makes! Although, I do feel like it is growing a mind of its own, and, quite frankly, silently judging me. For some reason, no matter what I do, it keeps recording Stargate SG-1. What is it trying to tell me?

Must. have. this. Barbie.

albums updated

Updated my top albums of 2008 so far. I’ll expect a shitstorm of comments for it. I’m feeling very disappointed in this year. Nothing is changing my life or getting me really excited. Former awesome bands keep releasing crap (Dandys, Phantom Planet, and Nada Surf, I’m totally looking at you.)

So not cute.

Anyone else really fucking annoyed by this Wall-E hype? Cutesy Pixar movies annoy me enough, but seriously, this totally reeks of Johnny Number Five from Short Circuit. I’ll bet a hundred bucks that is has the same damn plot as EVERY OTHER Pixar movie. Some underdog type cute character by some bad luck finds itself in a crappy situation, goes on a long journey and meets some interesting “ethnic” characters, finds out about life, and rises from normalcy to be a big hero. Ick. Bring on The Dark Knight already.

Peanut Butter Solution

As mentioned here, I now present the movie The Peanut Butter solution in its entirety. Thank to my brother for giving me nightmares all over again. Actually, I blame my mother for renting that for me and my brother.

Warped Tour

I spent Saturday at the Warped Tour. And felt about 100 years old. But I figured since I am still technically in my 20s, this was the last year I could go without being completely and totally pathetic. Here’s the synopsis of my day.

12:30pm. Getting ready at home. Most of the kids going are suiting up in their punk best, ripping their fishnets and mixing egg whites for their mowhawks. Me, I am thinking what would be most comnfortable. I put on my trusty practical New Balances and my purse that is least likely to be stolen. Oh, and of course my glasses so I could see better. Shit, I’m old.

1pm. On the BART, it was very obvious who was on their way to Warped. White kids with dreads? You bet. Hyoer kids from the suburbs with the Taking Back Sunday t-shirts. Of course.

2:00pm Finally get there. I was a little hesitant, but the security didn’t seach me. I doubt I looked like a threat. Just for good measure, I called out “Johnny, make sure you behave yourself and meet me at the gate at the end” to no one in particular to pretend I was bringing a younger person to the festival.

2:05pm I wander around looking for the set list so I can plan my day. I guess it’s not too punk to be organized. I finally find it and realize I missed The Bronx, a band I have meaning to see for years. Against Me! Wasn’t going on for another hour. Dammit. Every Time I Die is currently playing and my god, do they have to keep screaming like that? I wish I brought my earplugs.

2:10pm My friends decide to go to the beer garden, which is a fenced of area where people over 21 can drink. There are abut 5 people in there. The most crowded booth is where they have large screens on Rock Band set up, where people are playing with their eyes glazed over. Why see the bands live when you can mindlessly play a video game.

2:15 Some guys are giving out “I love Sluts” stickers and girls are wearing them on their asses. Fantastic.

2:20pm A ten year old asks me for a cigarette.

2:25 There seems to be a very specific uniform here. That’s the interesting thing about subcultures, I guess. Once you get to gather with others like you, it temporarily becomes mainstream, so how do people distinguish themselves? My mind starts wander and I think about the idea of “punk” and how I really can’t blame any of the kids for not understanding, that ship has sailed. No lifestyle or band can recreate punk. The “causeway”, the sad little area where the nonprofits were promoting their causes were totally empty. However, the line to meet William Beckett was like a mile long.

2:30pm, speaking of which, I passed by the booth. He’s so pretty! His skin is so radiant! I think he poops rainbows!

2:35pm When did wayfairer sunglasses come back?

3:15pm I eat my $9 fried rice. I hate festival food.

3:45pm I check out a band called Street Dogs and although they had the dumbest name ever, they were pretty impressive.

4pm When did Jefree Starr become such a sensation? And why the hell is he playing at Warped?

4:05pm I am watching Against Me! and the saddest little mosh pit I have ever seen starts to form. People are jumping up and missing each other. It’s like people…walking around.

4:30pm YESSSS!!!! Reel Big Fish. God knows why they are still doing this tour, they do it every year. I kinda thought no one would watch them, but these kids seemed to know their songs. Jeez, what happened to ska? I need it to come back. Erin and I always talked about forming a ska band. We need to make that happen. Singer Aarom Barrett has the quote of the evening, “You may have heard this song playing in Hollister…yea, things are really happening for us.” They play “Where Have You Been?” and I start to get the natural high I get when I see a band I love perform. Kind of a floaty feeling. Or maybe it was the shitty weed some 15 year olds were smoking next to me. They close with a cover of “Take On Me” and it is fucking awesome.

5:00pm Cobra Starship immediately starts playing at the adjacent stage. There’s a pretty smart setup, with two stages next to each other. While one band is doing their 30-minute set, they set up for the next band. I like that. I want to get this shit over with.

Anyway, I have very mixed feelings for Cobra Starship. I mean, I think their stuff is fun and catchy, but frontman Gabe Saporta has the biggest fucking ego I have ever seen. He spent half the set standing with his arms up so people would cheer and was ironically wearing stonewashed jeans ans a painters cap. He even invented a hand signal to represent Cobra Starship that he made sure everyone knew. And yes, he was wearing a Cobra Starship t-shirt. Yes, I know the band is not supposed to be that serious, but come on. They were also the only band to have a special backdrop on the stage while they played. However, they did kind of rock. I mean, they have a frigging keytar player. They did my favorite, “Church of Hot Addiction” and of course, “Snakes on a Plane” in which Will Beckett and the guy from Gym Class Heroes came on and the whole place collectively orgasmed. I may or may be including myself in that statement. Seriously, that song may be one of the best fucking songs of the last eight years and I can’t fault the band that wrote it.

5:15pm I walked past the “Shiragirl” tent where the “chick bands” played. There were maybe five people watching. It’s really messed up how women are not really represented in hardcore/alternative/punk these days. If they are, it’s labeled a chick band. I don’t know whose fault that is, those who demand it or the industry.

5:30pm ZOMG! I just met Scott Klopfenstein! And by meet I mean I saw him walk by and didn’t do anything.

5:35pm I contemplated using the port-o-john. THen I knew it was time to leave.

6:30pm I get home and collapse from heat exhaustion.

6:45pm I begin to have a existential music crisis. None of the new music really does it for me. Bands these days can form, put a single on myspace, get a review on pitchfork, and play at Bonaroo in a span of three months. There’s no history. There’s no collective following among fans. When the next big thing comes along, they are forgotten. I know what you are thinking, I have been contributing to that. I guess that’s true. But I spent the weekend listening to Wham!, Misfits, Rancid, and The Jesus and Mary Chain to make myself feel better (aka superior).

Requiem for a Day Off

Ack! I really cannot get enough of this. As you know, I love reworked trailers. But this one uses the insanely awesome score to Requiem for a Dream. It’s amazing what a soundtrack and editing can do.

crazy cat lady time!

Lately Regina has started sleeping on her back. Teeeewwww keeeyoooot.

Choke

I have really been putting it off, but I watched the trailer for Choke*. I didn’t want to watch it because I had built it up a lot. And you know what?

I SHOULDN’T HAVE! IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING ROMANTIC COMEDY!

*Choke is a novel by Chuck Palahnuik that is being adapted into a film. If you don’t know who Palahnuik is, please don’t talk to me.

Weeds S3

I loved the first season of Weeds, I was lukewarm about season 2, but season 3 really has lost me. In the beginning, I felt it was a smart commentary on upper-class suburban life and a mother trying to provide for her children. By season 3, it’s turned into an over-the-top, cops and robbers mess of a show. There is a new zany plot twist every second. Mary Louise Parker, who is on her own awesome, was charming and cute without trying. Now it’s like she knows it and she has to do something “adorable” all the time. I remember she once saud that she wanted a job that would help her maintain her lifestyle, but if she is so much in debt now, maybe she can sell one of her many designer outfits? Her Chloe handbag must be worth at least $2500. The whole think with Zooey Daschanel and her Alaskan bounty hunter boyfriend was the jump the shark point for me.

Birth of Venus

You know how much I love historical fiction, and this had a good premise, but I wish it kind of went somewhere more. It’s Florence in the 1400s, and the main character is an artists but bound by the roles of women, etc. So she jumps at the chance to marry, because it will get her out of her parent’s home. Turns out her brother kind of tricks her into marrying his lover, so that he won’t be pinpointed as a sodomist. Finally, she has a weird relationship with a painter that her father hired to paint frescoes in her house, who thinks he is possessed by the devil. She has his kid and they reunite when she becomes a nun. He tatoos a snake on her absomen before he leaves then she kills herself. Sounds kind of cool, but not really.

pop quiz

Is the Northern California Pirate Festival:

a. a chance for pirate freaks to show off their garb

b. a gathering for 500 or more bad Jack Sparrow impersonators

c. a chance for women to show off their decolletage

d. an opportunity to call women wenches without any consequences

e. all of the above

However, I was a fan of the childcare:

we’re gonna make it after all!

John and I are on our way to becoming famous and deveoping cult following. First, he’s on Rolling Stone for his Frank Black impersonations, and I’m writing for a website about love, sex, and relationships. Oh the irony!

shoe crush!

And they’re vegan! It makes me look like a hippie Barbarella, but hey, it’s a good look for me.

Also, my weekend will be awesome.

mix tape challenge

So I was talking smack at claiming that I was a music expert and am a genius as making mix tapes, based on the occasion and category. Someone actually took me on and now we are having a battle of the mixtapes. (Think You Got Served but with no dancing and me in my pjs looking through my iTunes list.)

Seeeeewwww the first category is to make the most depressing mixtape. So, that’s basically every song I listen to. But not really. Our official judge is a clinical psychologist. (This is serious business.) My thing is that depressing is subjective- I think some love songs are depressing because it reminds me that I am going to die alone. However, it’s not just the lyrics. Songs can be dark (see every Blonde Redhead Song) even if the lyrics aren’t. The hard part is that it can only be five songs. WTF???

So here are some ideas I have so far. Let me know what you think and if you have anything to add.

Radiohead, “Creep”

Nine Inch Nails, “Hurt”

Rilo Kiley, “Pictures of Success”

Johnny Cash “The Man Comes Around”

Broadway, “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again” (from Phantom of the Opera)

Muse, “Butterflies and Hurricanes”

Nada Surf, “Inside of Love”

Bonnie Raitt “I can’t make you love me”

Antony and the Johnsons, “Hope There’s Someone”

The Verve, “Drugs Don’t Work”

Murder City Devils, “364 Days”

Depeche Mode, “Condemnation”

Nirvana, “Something In the Way”

Is it anatomically correct?

Stupify!

“I have black friends and I’m voting for Obama!”

I’d like to shake this man’s hand for being both socially aware and hilarious.

best spam message ever.

“That my account is exactin reference to the antioquia are
but few, take place where the vulgar have of his own sight.
again i say we can avenge but with force, he is, besides,
acquainted with omens, from the actual experience of the
pleasures that they both pray by proxy. The papists employ
a that you fell through andhere is binko waiting senior,
closing his eyes again peacefully. With.”

things that freaked me out as a kid

I’ve been lurking around random forums, and one was about what tv and movie moments used to freak people out as kids. I thought I’d share my list, to see if anyone can relate.

The shot of the dead kid in Stand By Me. Til this day I have to look away when that scene comes up.

The video for “Land of Confusion”. Who knew that Genesis could be scary? The disembodies heads in the swamp is only the beginning. Shudder.

Some stupid made for tv movie about a couple that move into a Haunted House and one night the husband is hanging out in the living room and some ghost woman comes down and she has a crazy fucked up face and she basically rapes him. Anyone know what I am talking about? They replay it on USA network sometimes.

The video for Talking Heads’ “Blind”. What the fuck? A wrench comes alive and runs for office. The freaky think is the wrench drools. Uh muh god.

Basically all of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. The werewolf rape, the naked vampires, when Lucy rises from the dead and eats babies. Yeeks!

Pee-Wee’s big adventure. When Pee Wee hitchhikes and Large Marge tells him about an accident and says when they pulled the bodies from the wreckage, it looked like THIS!…don’t judge, I was pretty young when I saw that.

Stephen King’s It. Like, eight hours of scary clowns. Actually, not a lot of it scared me, except when the girl hears voices from inside the drain and it explodes with blood.

Some movie from the eighties about a genetic research lab that creates scary mutants. Somehow they impregnate a lady and the fetus escapes her stomach and goes around killing people. Seriously, I was like six when I saw it. I don’t remember the name.

The Peanut Butter Solution. What the fuck was someone on when they wrote that?

I’m gonna go vomit now.

nothing important

Dammit! I missed Swingtown on Thursday. Was it good? Was Grant Show hawt?

Have you heard NKOTB’s new song? The lyrics are fucking ridiculous. I mind Jordan and Danny the most attractive now. What has Danny Wood been doing for the last 20 years?

For the love of Christ, I think it’s judgement day. That could be the only explanation that someone would greenlight Miss Conception. Where to start? Heather Graham with a British accent. Homophobic “jokes”. Trite trailer music. Sexual assault played for comedy. It’s like Species, except it’s not scary. Except that it is.

I love puns!

more cat pictures

Indiana Jones and the skull of what the fuck

Really, I’m pretending that the series only has the first three movies in it. The aliens thing I can maybe deal with, but Harrison Ford was totally phoning in his performance. Shia? Useless. Absolutely useless. Witty dialogue? Absent. The charm of the originals? Completely gone. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg sat in a room made of their money, getting high and saying things like “oh you know what would be sooooo rad? If Indy survived a nuclear blast.” “Duuuuuude yea! Put that in there!”

oh, Chuck

Just finished Chuck Palahnuik’s latest, Snuff. It actually read more like a short story. Not one of his best, it was more gimmick-y and was for shock value. Geez, Chuck, you write one novel a year, it could be longer! I’d like to actually see him write a screenplay. Or better yet, a cable series. How awesome. Here’s to waiting for next year for his next work.

a big fuck you to poor people

I can’t think of a better way to come back than to share my thoughts on the SATC movie. I have to admit, I found myself more entertained than I thought I would. However, I found myself throwing my hands up in disgust every once in a while. Thank god I was sitting near the back.

- I am sooooo sick of the Carrie/Big drama. What did she fucking expect? Has Carried WATCHED the show?

- Where is all this money coming from? I thought Carrie still owed Charlotte 30 grand! And the way they throw it around- like leaving $500 shoes around and forgetting about them, it was like a big fuck you to poor people.

-This movie is another example of the “magical black person role” THe St. Louis who swoops in and gives advice. For reference, see Morgan Freeman in about every movie he is in.

-Samantha, shut up and close your legs. It is not cute.

-Sometimes Sarah Jessica can look totally gorgeous and other times hideous. And sometimes she looks like she is dressed like an escaped mental patient. Or a grown up version of Claudia Kishi.

-Do any of these bitches have jobs anymore?

-That penthouse apartment gave me a real estate orgasm.

-Since when did they ever pick on each other about their weight? That was one thing that was never in the show.

-Despite all the moaning and growning about men, it was nice to see that their friendships with each other were the central point of the movie. That is one good thing.

You know, I really can’t find the mass appeal of the show. I actually see it as two different series. The first one being seasons one through three, which was almost film like a comic book. The characters were quirky, almost parodies, and there was sharp dialogue. Carrie and the others were pretty strong-willed and confident. Starting with season 4, they tried to make the characters “grow up” and gave these comics babies, marriage, cancer, divorce, and drama. That didn’t work for me- I liked the silliness of it all. If I wanted real life drama I wouldn’t be watching this. And in the end, Carrie became a shrill, pushover 13 year old. I miss the times when they went dancing on Staten Island and dated the freaks and Carrie was on the cover of New York magazine looking haggard.

Anyhoo, the previews were hilarious, because it assumed that the audience were women who worship Tyra Banks and read Danielle Steele novels in the bathtub. The preview for this movie is so ridiculous it is like an SNL parady of itself.