If you want to cry your eyes out: Dar Williams, Iowa. [shout out to Andi, Oliver, Lisette, and Gabs.]
Because the Onion now only allows its subscribers access to the archives (hissss), I need to reprint this whole article, because it rings true to me and many of you, I’m sure:
.Wild, Unattached Twenties Spent At Work
SEATTLE—The unattached, freewheeling, consequence-free years following Frank Anderton’s graduation from college are being spent in “one of the coolest offices in all of Seattle,” the 24-year-old reported Tuesday.”Man, it’s the greatest feeling in the world, knowing that I could do anything right now,” Anderton said, sitting at his desk at 8:30 p.m. Friday. “I don’t have any kids to worry about or a mortgage to pay. If I wanted to pick up and backpack through Europe, I could leave in two weeks, no questions asked. Of course, that would set me back a little, career-wise.”
Anderton was hired directly out of college by Walsh & Billings, a high-profile Seattle advertising firm, where he has worked more than 60 hours per week for the past 68 weeks.
“The world is my oyster,” said Anderton, who has been single but not actively dating for all of his post-college life. “Not to brag, but I’m doing pretty well. I’ve got a great apartment all to myself, I’m in good shape, and I’ve been dressing a lot better. When my sister visited me last month, she told me I was shaping up to be quite a catch.”
Anderton explained that the burdens of close personal relationships do not tie him down.
“Nobody tells me what to do or when to do it—other than my bosses, of course,” said Anderton, who recently cancelled his Netflix subscription after letting his first three DVDs sit on his dining-room table unwatched for nine weeks. “The other junior account execs are always complaining about their kids and their wives. Not me. I’m completely free to stay at work as long as I want. Hell, I can even come in weekends without someone getting on my case, like Mom always used to with Dad.”
Even though he’s only two years out of college, Anderton has already had the opportunity to work as an assistant print supervisor on such high-profile accounts as Compaq and Canon. His willingness to work long hours, even on weekends and holidays, has not gone unnoticed by his superiors at work.
“He’s a real go-getter, that’s for sure,” said Tim Bradley, the senior brand strategist on the Canon account. “When I was his age, I was totally lost. I was working dead-end jobs and blowing paycheck after paycheck on partying. It wasn’t until I was pushing 30 that I got my act together and started climbing the ladder. It’s cool that Frank’s got his eyes set on a corner office at 24.”
Anderton, who majored in communications at the University Of Washington, has already received a 5 percent raise at work.
“I used to have to think about every concert ticket or restaurant meal I bought, but now that I have a salary, I can do whatever I want,” said Anderton, who puts nearly all of his $500 entertainment budget into savings each month. “If I don’t have time to cook, which I never do, I just order Chinese. I got an awesome flat-screen TV for my bedroom, so a lot of times I just sit on my bed or at my desk and eat while I watch television.”
Anderton’s 32-year-old brother Josh, who recently became a regional sales manager for Microsoft’s enterprise server line, described his sibling’s position as “the best of both worlds.”
“On the one hand, he’s got the freedom to do whatever he wants, and on the other, he’s got a really solid five-year plan all mapped out,” Josh said. “He’s got such potential and such liberty, but he also has the wisdom to know that night after night of meaningless sex with women you meet while going out and having fun with your friends is really pretty hollow in the end.”
Anderton said he hopes his quick success at Walsh & Billings doesn’t cause problems with his coworkers.
“I don’t want the other guys at work to envy me because I’ve got my whole life ahead of me,” Anderton said. “I can tell that they’re getting burnt out. They practically have to drag themselves into work after the weekend. But I come in each morning, fresh and ready to start another day. Just imagine where I’ll be by the time I’m their age.”
“Yeah, I’m going to remember these years forever,” Anderton continued. “I get to live in Seattle, I have my own super-sweet computer at work, and, since I don’t have to get to the office until 10 a.m., I could theoretically stay out past midnight.”
So, what does the bible say about hanging out at gay clubs and trying to get gay men drunk to make out with them?
The younger daughter of President George W., is fast developing a reputation as fag hag extraordinaire. Graham C. Boettcher, a fellow Yale student, ran into Barbara at Starlight, a gay lounge in New York’s East Village and has spotted her at a Pansy Division concert at Rudy’s, a divey New Haven watering hole. Pansy Division is an all-gay rock band from San Francisco. He’s even witnessed her arm-in-arm between two known gay male classmates skipping through New Haven like Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man on their way to find the Wizard of Oz.
Which now brings me to my rant about the concept of fag hags. Sure, some of us have that moment when we get out first gay friend, and admire his andorgynous beauty and the ability for him to grab our boobs without being offended (and I still won’t!). But to call someone a fag hag, and worse, to declare one’s self a fag hag, is extremely annoying. Fag hags will immediately cling to a gay man purely for his sexual orientation. Believe me, I will not make nice with am man because he is gay. I guess I have friendly attractions to gay men because of the nonconformity of gender roles, and because they have struggled through something and can speak about the ills of society. Plus, I like to make perverted comments about blow jobs, and they will usually laugh. So, for all those women who are branded as fag hags, let’s remember that these women have served as strong allies and a shoulder to lean on for someone. Hey, can I help it if I am a magnet for gay men? Really, they always seem to find me. I do none of the work.
Matthew Shepard’s family and friends are protesting an ABC television special that suggests the University of Wyoming student’s murder was not an anti-gay hate crime but a meth-induced robbery gone awry.
In Connecticut, the same-sex marriage movement is on the move, scoring resounding victories in this month’s legislative elections. And it seems almost inevitable that Connecticut will pass a landmark law next year. . OK, this makes me reconsider staying in this state for at least another week.
I am intrigued by JT Leroy. Today I just read his first novel, Sarah. Basically about a 12 year old transgendered prostitute who gets caught up in the crazy world of truck stop pimps. At first I thought the provacative plot served as a device to cover up a somewhat lackluster style, but the writing and the characters were surprisingly likeable. Anyway, I’ll give another one of his books a try.
In other literature new, Bret Easton Ellis’ Lunar Park is pretty close. I am squirming just thinking about it:
Picador are excited with Bret Easton Ellis’s first book for six years, Lunar Park, due out next October, “in which Ellis confronts his own legend, and the legacy of his work, with electrifying intensity”. We are promised “humour, terror and pathos” in this tale of “one man’s journey towards a kind of redemption”. Yikes. What for? American Psycho? That tame old thing?
Still speaking of books, some very exciting pics are available from the Goblet of Fire movie. Talk about squirmy! John will enjoy this one. Also, looks like a trek to the World Quidditch Cup.
Of course, ten years too late, I have discovered the Manic Street Preachers.
