SUMMER MOVIES OTHER THAN MARCH OF THE PENGUINS THAT CONSERVATIVES ARE RALLYING BEHIND.
BY MATT LOKER
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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
The imaginative children's tale imparts the values of family togetherness, honesty, and avoiding premarital intercourse. "For example," writes James Dobson, "Violet gives in to the temptation of chewing gum, and becomes abnormally fat (representing pregnancy). The other three children similarly give in to temptation, and they all become dead (representing a social disease)."
This bawdy comedy fits in neatly with conservative values, such as heterosexuality. "[Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson] have sex with many, many women," observes syndicated radio host Michael Savage. "Homosexual men can't do that, on account of science."
Bruce Wayne is the wealthy playboy son of an influential plutocrat. Later in life, he makes amends for his father by taking a lone-wolf-vigilante-justice approach to morally dubious acts of violence. Conservatives applaud the film's use of a tricked-out Hummer as the Batmobile, which was totally sweet.
The Dukes of Hazzard
Not once is the word "evolution" used in this movie. Many pundits proclaim this to be a tacit endorsement of intelligent design. "This is by far the best evidence yet," exclaims a joyous Pat Robertson on The 700 Club.
Star Wars: Episode III—Revenge of the Sith
Presents strong direct evidence for Christianity, owing mostly to Natalie Portman, who must be an angel. "Aw, shucks," says conservative talk-show host Sean Hannity, who sheepishly lowers his head and draws an arc in the dirt with his shoe.
No one is aborted in this movie.
Well, since Heath has to prove his uber-heteosexuality after making out with Jake, he is starring as the titular role in Cassonova.
You know what looks good? North Country. Kind of the Accused meets Monster meets Roseanne. (Remember when they worked in that plastics factory with George Clooney?)
Also, Flightplan was a letdown. Should have been called Panic Room 2: Panic at 30,000 feet. Although it did have Peter Sarsgaard playing himself, someone with a lazy eyelid and a child molester’s voice. Love him. It made me certainly blow chunks thinking about my upcoming flight to Florida.
Hey, I have been doing this blog thing for a year now. When I look back on all the past entries…I realize that nothing much has happened in a year. This time last year, I had just discovered Bloc Party, I talk about my lovely coworkers, and Brandon was still drawing pictures of us as Harry Potter characters.
Sadly, the outfir I will wear to the wedding next weekend was purchsed almost entirely at Target. What the hell is wrong with me. Shit, I'm old. Well, despite being major donors to the Republican party, they do have gender neutral bathrooms. Well, a unisex bathroom really. But it's a start!!
So cute! [Discliamer: That's not me in the picture]
I am ten years too late, but I have begun to read Donna Tartt's The Secret History. Just what I need, to read about college students.
Erin sent me the text of an old evite from a No Andrews Band “concert”.
The No Andrews Band promotional staff proudly invites you to join them for a special evening with the stars themselves. The actual No Andrews Band trio (plus the other) will not only “perform”, but will also drink a lot, fight amongst themselves, and bitch-out their loved ones while ignoring everyone else. The band goes on at 10:00.
Just in case that’s not enough, Amy Haas will arrive and remain pantless, exclusive, limited edition TNAB promotional merchandise will be available, and Thomas Sizemore, former star of ABC’s hit drama series “China Beach”, will be there to “keep his eyes on the ladies”.
So, pick and follow your own outrageous theme (FYI – Justin already has dibbs on both perfection and Judy Huddleston), bring some liquor/beer, and come ready to witness what is sure to be something.
Oh, this brings me back. Was this one where I spent an hour in the bathroom dry heaving? Or the one where I screamed at Matt Mulkey [edit- that was at one of my freaky roommates “party” at my house]? Or where I wore a gold lame shirt? That might have been at all of them. This was also a time when jokes about one’s mother was the height of fashion. Believe it or not, the merchandise part was true.
Wow, remnants of the website still remain. Apparently Erin and I found it HI-larious to call Mike Hererra of Mxpx by my brother’s name. w.t.f.
God, I love this kind of stuff.
I am also stoked because after searching endlessly (i.e., waiting for someone to post it on the internet) I finally secured the SHout Out Louds' Howl Howl Gaff Gaff.
It is quite good. How can anything with a moog be bad? And I am not just saying they because they are bangable.
I think the Killers and Phantom Planet had a big orgy and birthed this band, and then adopted some of the women from Tilly and the Wall. But ah, the music. I've even kept it uploaded, so this link will last for seven days.
Broken Social Scene, the new self-titled
Saturday Looks Good to Me, All Your Summer Songs
Calla, Collisions; Gawd I love this stuff. I like to call this genre suicide rock.
Ok, I'm embarassed to say that Fall Out Boy's Under the Cork Tree is pretty good. Great, see you at Hot Topic.
Liz Phair has another craptastic album out. It's listenable.
My faith in humanity was retored this morning when I helped the Humane Society with a fundraiser for the animal rescue in New Orleans. People gave hundred dollar donations on the spot and brought it tons of towels and other supplies. This faith was quickly destroyed when I had to run to Target/Old Navy to return items. I hate people, especially ones that work at the registers in these places.
Watched L'Auberge Espanol. Someone tell me, what was the point of this movie? Although it id represent a certain fantasy that I think a lot of people have (including me)- being young, moving to a new city, with it all full of possibilities, moving to a fun apartment with lots of hip-people that become your family, and enjoying the hotspots of the city. Does that really happen? Maybe it happened a little with DC, a little with NY. With Connecticut? Not so much. In fact, this place gets under my skin a little more each day. However, I think I have committed to being here through the end of June 2007. It makes the most sense for me professionally. Plus, my supervisor basically told me she didn't think I would find a good job if I looked this year. Although she is right.
But living adjacent to a residense hall? This is going to be an interesting two years. late last a group of residents above me decided to have a Blink-182 sing a long at the top of their lungs. Welcome to my life.
I have been pirating the music industry as usual, with some interesting results.
How fricking sweet is the band Say Hi To Your Mom? Actually it's this one guy who does all the recording.
I'm also liking Motion City Soundtrack, although I am not a 13 year old who goes to the Warped Tour.
Also sweet? VHS or Beta: Night on Fire.
Next weekend i will be in DC for the WEDDING OF THE CENTURY. I am kind of nervous, because I haven't been back in so long. I am shitty about keeping in touch, and I have certainly changed, physically and behaviorally.
thegetaway1448: i am scared about next weekend
thegetaway1448: i am so depressed and sickly
thegetaway1448: i cannot deliver the robin that people want
Er5inQ: people will love you no matter what.
Er5inQ: and being around all your lovely friends may cheer you up a bit.
Er5inQ: besides, the robin we love is a hyperventilating weirdo.
Er5inQ: so no fears.