Remember when music videos were awesome? The best ones were the mini-movies. R.Kelly acts like he was the first one to do a narrative video, but they were a staple of my pop culture memories. Here’s the best!
#15 A-Ha; “Take On Me”
Premise: woman has an affair with hot comic book character. My ultimate goal in life.
#14 Gwen Stefani; “Cool”
Premise: Gwen meets her ex-boyf’s new girlf.
#13 Aerosmith; “Janie’s Got A Gun”
Premise: listen to the lyrics, duh. Dad’s a rapist so Janie kills him and stuffs him under a train.
#12 Madonna; “Bad Girl”
Premise: Mad’s a high class hooker with Christopher Walken as a guardian angel.
#11 Richard Marx; “Hazard”
Premise. Someone killed a girl in the village. And goddammit, Richard Marx is going to find out.
#10 Cyndi Lauper; “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
Premise: Cyndi’s WWF Dad won’t let her have fun so she rebels by wearing a bustier in public and kickin’ it with her girlfriends. She later brings the whole city back to the house and her parents are trampled to death.
#9 Britney Spears; “Everytime”
It’s sooooooo haaaaaaaaaaaaaaard being famous. Stephen Dorf is a shitty boyfriend with anger management issues. Britney takes a bath and either cuts herself or hits her head and flatlines for a while. During her out of bosy experience at the hospital. Sees a baby being born then comes back to life. Meanwhile, her ratty weave strategically hides her privates in the bathtub.
#8 Bon Jovi; “Always”
Wow, BJ loves the drama. 90s heartthrob Jack Noseworthy and cheats on Carla Gugino with Keri Russell and Carla gets mad and runs out to the street. Meanwhile she goes home with some wimpy artist guy, sleeps with him, and then for some dumb reason, calls Jack to come over. Jack gets pissed and burns down artists house. NOYCE!
#7 Poison, “Fallen Angel”
Premise: The big city is bad! Gal moves out with big dreams and becomes a hooker.
#6 Tom Petty; “Into the Great Wide Open”
Premise: Small-town Johnny Depp moves to the big city and realizes fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Matt LeBlanc cameo!
#5 Jefferson Starship; “Sara”
Premise: the singer guy used to joke around with Rebecca DeMorney and wear crazy hats. Somehow it makes him remember a tornado that killed his mom.
#5 Heart; “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You”
Premise: Gal picks up a hitchhiker and does it in a cheap motel. A year later she comes back with his son. Funny how she found him, considering she never knew his name.
#4 Bon Jovi, “Livin’ In Sin”
Premise: the kids are living in sin. Duh. Bon Jovi knows how to bring the melodrama. Wasn’t this banned from MTV? Ironic, considering the smut that’s on now.
#3 Aerosmith; “Cryin'”
Was everyone else obsessed with this video as much as I was? Stephen Dorf (in his surprising second appearance on the countdown) cheats on Alicia Silverstone so she pretends to kill herself by jumping off a highway overpass. In between she gets stuff pierced and gets her bag stolen by Josh Holloway. I totally had an outfir that I copied from this video.
#2 Pat Benetar; “Love is a Battlefield”
Pat gets into a fight and runs away to the big city. This “big city” plot is basically 99% of videos. She becomes a hooker but she and her ruffian gang of hookers show their pimps who means business by doing a choreographed dance.
#1 Guns n’ Roses, “November Rain”
The grandaddy of all narrative music videos. What really happened to Stephanie Seymour? Did she get tramples by her wedding guests? Did Axl kill her? his mystery still keeps me up at night.