Did you eat all the chips?

I wanted to give a synops of my trip to Vegas, even though though was a while ago. I was a little cautious about going, I thought my head would explode when I got there. You know what? I loved it. Although I had to throw away every principle and moral that I had.

On the plane, I was a little nervous. The plane was empty and most of us were traveling alone. Of course, I had an excuse, but I wondered what the other people were up to. The guy next to me on the plane was already drunk and was trying to enlist me in his conspiracy for him to keep his luggage on the seat next to him, which I wanted no part of.

I was nervous about my hotel, which I had booked online because it was cheap so I had no idea what that would mean. However, The Flamingo was pretty rad. Although, they did have a courtyard with wild birds and flamingos roaming free. What the fuck? I am sure the animals had a very fulfilling life being their for the sole purpose of midwestern tourists and gazing out on the beautiful buffet. Whatevs.

I did some hardcore hotel hopping after that. Actually, it was kind of a goal of mine to relive the movie Showgirls, but I didn’t realize until I got there that the Stardust Hotel was torn down! Oh, the horror! Oh well. I did get to the Forum Shops at Ceasar’s Palace, where “Ver-sayce” was located, as well as the restaurant that Nomi first flirted with Crystal. By the way, that place was insane with all the statues and over the top shit. There was even an animatronic show in the fountain in the center of the mall. I do appreciate the historical accurate by calling it “The Forum” because in ancient Rome that was the marketplace. Again, did anyone there actually appreciate it? Probably not. Speaking of historical accuracy, in Caesar’s palace, they had supposed statues of Julius Caesar, but I am pretty sure they were of Augustus (thank you, Art History 101). I wasn’t about to alert the manager. I also think they should add hot men walking around dressed in gladiator costumes. I filled out a comment card, don’t worry.

The other hotels are ridiculous. The theory of Vegas is “how much money can we possibly spend on something that is completely useless?” I think the entire facade of the New York New York Hotel would feed the inhabitants of a small country for about 50 years. By the way, I was expecting that hotel to be a total stereotype and just serve pizza and bagels, but their recreation of a New York Street was pretty cool- including the Asian landromat (?). Oh, there was also a Coyote Ugly bar in there. Probably the saddest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. You could by a thong/t-shirt set that says “I danced on the bar at Coyote Ugly.” If you need a t-shirt to remember that, you know your life is in shambles.

The fountains at the Bellagio were ridiculous and actually gave me the chills! Okay, that is what enchanted me about Vegas. That and the absence of children, and maybe the hooker catalogs. The Venetian– crazy! I wasn’t able to take a romantic gondola ride underneath the highway overpass. You all know how I feel about themes- I love them! I spent a while thinking of themes for new hotels. I had already mused about a Sweet Valley High themed hotel, but someone mentioned a Moulin Rouge themed hotel, which would blow my mind.

Oh, back to my quest to relive showgirls. I don’t the Cheetah strip club is a real place, but I wasn’t about to go searching for a seedy place like it (I refused to leave The Strip). So, I wanted to see a show similar to the fictional Goddess, so why not Fantasy at the Luxor? I figured it had to be the closest thing, and it would be high class because it was at The Luxor, right? First off, the big pull that they were advertising was that it is choreographed by Chris Judd, aka. the former Mr. Jennifer Lopez. Well, first off, I had to point out the impracticalities. There was a cowboy scenario- how comfy is it to ride a horse without a bra? Also, that ski outfit is useless if you’re going to wear it topless. Really now. Of course, there was a male comedian that did homophobic, unfunny vignettes during the “costume changes” but the women were never allowed to talk. I think watching it revoked my women’s study degree.

Oh yea, I also attended a pesky conference that got in the way of my fun. For those nights I stayed at the Imperial Palace, and I have PTSD from staying there. I don’t know if it was the ten-count sheets, the horribe Asian stereotypes (the “Geisha Bar” and the “Sake Bar”) or the fact that my room overlooked a courtyeard where a Jimmy Buffet cover band played until 3am, but it gave me the fucking creeps. The only good thing were the “Dealertainers” who did celeb impressions and dealt blackjack! My favorites were Ricky Martin and Bette Midler. Shakira was kind of a bitch.

The last night I wanted to see something “typically Vegas” so I went to see Jubilee at Bally’s. I figured that it had all the ridiculous sets, over the top numbers, and ridiculous costumes. It had all that, and more boobs too. I didn’t realize it was topless. So I accidentally saw two topless shows in Vegas. Oh well.

I miss Vegas. Nothing really seems the same. I cursed and chain smoked the whole time I was there and I kind of miss that too. Oh, I also won $150 at the Penny Pagoda slots at the Imperial Palace.

The conference I attended was total crap. Someone referenced Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus as a source for their material. ‘Nuff said.


6 thoughts on “Did you eat all the chips?

  1. omg! when are we going???? my trip was kind oif like that, ‘cept I stayed at Harrah’s and where you did all that stuff, I played craps all weekend and blackjack and roulette!

  2. Pingback: Bagel Shops » Did you eat all the chips? ad hoc.

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